Today marks the fourth month since my mom passed away of Cancer. It is during the quite momments of my day , that I am reminded that she is gone. "Loss" can truly shake you up. I recently was told by somebody close to me that. "I am not who I think I am, and that I need to be more greatful for all that I have. " At first I took it realy hard and felt deeply disapointed in myself. I would like to think that I show graditude for all the abundance in my life, but deep down , I feel what I have been projecting to those close to me is not a lack of graditude but deep sense saddness and resentment about loosing my mom. I have been embracing this "loss" threw therphy, art and now this blog. I have to give myself some slack, because loosing my mom and watching her die was no joke. It is a memory that will forever be both beautiful and haunting. However, I don't want to be an angry person. I know that "becomeing a better person" is probably going to be a lifetime of makeups; however, opening myself up to change and growth will alow flexiblity and flexibility will alow me to be the type of person I want to be in any given situation . Life is just like a painting, there are many layers to the story.... each stroke helped build the final goal. My goal is to be a better person and be more aware outside of myself. I am not perfect and neither was my mother. She loved me deeply and she was truly an amazing woman with a big heart, but she was moody and alowed stress to get the best of her. She never steped away from her life painting story and took a deep breth...not until the end.
As I type these very words on the screen, I see my reflection and I am telling myself and you that I am chosing to face the truth that hurts, so that I can grow. My mom showed so much growth and faced some hard truths in her last few months of her life with dignity and with such bravery. I am happy she was able to surender. However, I don't want to wait tell the end of my life to chang habits that are not helthy for myself and those around me. I am chosing to be alive, to be honest, open and embrace all that I have with graditude. Life is too short not too.
I end this blog entry by expressing my graditude to the person who loved me enough to be honest with me. It was your truth about me, that alowed myself to truly see all of me. I hope that you will see the change, I want to see in myself.
Ps. If you would like to have a dialog with me about this post, please contact me. I would love to know what you think.